er wept with."

I asked Brown what his own views were about the war, and before replying
he pulled a paper from his pocket and scanned it. "We are strictly
neutral," he then replied.

"Is that what is written on the paper?" I asked. He admitted that Sir
James had written out for him the correct replies to possible questions.
"Why was he neutral?" I asked, and he again found the reply on the piece
of paper: "Because it is the President's wish."

*Brown Must Be Neutral.*

So anxious, I discovered, is Sir James to follow the President's bidding
that he has enjoined Brown to be neutral on all other subjects besides
the war; to express no preference on matters of food, for instance, and
always to eat oysters and clams alternately, so that there can be no
ill-feeling. Also to walk in the middle of the streets lest he should
seem to be favoring either sidewalk, and to be very cautious about
admitting that one building in New York is higher than another. I
assured him that the Woolworth Building was the highest, but he replied
politely, "that he was sure the President would prefer him to remain
neutral." I naturally asked if Sir James had given him any further
instructions as to proper behavior in America, and it seems that he had
done so. They amount, I gather, to this, that Americans have a sense of
humor which they employ, when they can, to the visitor's undoing.

"When we reach New York," Sir James seems to have told Brown in effect,
"we shall be met by reporters who will pretend that America is eager to
be instructed by us as to the causes and progress of the war; then, if
we are fools enough to think that America cannot make up its mind for
itself, we shall fall into the trap and preach to them, and all the time
they are taking down our observations they will be saying to themselves,
'Pompous asses.'

"It is a sort of game between us and the reporters. Our aim is to make
them think we are bigger than we are, and theirs is to make us smaller
than we are; and any chance we have of succeeding is to hold our
tongues, while they will probably succeed if they make us jabber. Above
all, oh, Brown, if you write to the papers giving your views of why we
are at war--and if you don't you will be the only person who
hasn't--don't be lured into slinging vulgar abuse at our opponents, lest
America takes you for another university professor."

There is, I learned, only one person in America about whom it is
impossible, even in