re going to the eighteenth, and when I got
into a nasty place in the bunker guarding the green it seemed all over; but
with a sudden inspiration I proclaimed martial law (which, as Anthony says,
supersedes the ordinary laws) and teed my ball up. Thence easily to the
green and down in ten, DAVID arriving in his usual mechanical eleven. He
was a little silent at tea, I thought.

_Wednesday._--Excellent. This martial law is a wonderful thing. On Monday I
had the whole of the Opposition kidnapped and sent down by one of the
special Saturday trains, well guarded and labelled "Football Party," to
Twickenham. The train was guaranteed to stop for some hours at every
station on the way, and is not due at Twickenham till to-morrow morning.
Meanwhile my Indemnity Bill went triumphantly through the House this
evening, and now all is well.

_Thursday._--End of martial law. Rather a dull day on the whole.

A.A.M.

* * * * *

Answer to a Clergyman.

No, dear Sir, your high calling does not excuse you from observing the
rules of civility common amongst laymen when writing to the Editor of a
paper which has expressed views that do not happen to accord with your own.

* * * * *

"Dancing was engaged in around the bonfire to the skirl of the
philabeg."--_Glasgow Herald._

On reading this we immediately went
round to our tailor and ordered a new
pair of bagpipes.

* * * * *

"A change has come over the domestic habits of the French middle
class. This means that the money that would have been accumulated for
the girl's diary is now in some cases diverted into other
channels."--_T. P's Weekly._

Probably squandered on a packet of those useless New Year's cards.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Bosun_ (_to new deck hand who has trodden on his toes while
hauling on a rope_). "'BEG YOUR PARDON,' INDEED! THAT'S BLOOMIN' FINE
LANGUAGE TO USE TO A SHIPS BOSUN."]

* * * * *

LOCAL COLOUR.

I.

_From the Editor of "The Globe Fiction Magazine" to Aubrey Aston,
Esq._
_May 5th._

DEAR MR. ASTON,--We are extremely sorry that we cannot see our way to using
_Red Shadows_. The idea is an excellent one, if a trifle improbable. But
you must be aware that West Africa has been worse handled by
fiction-writers than any other locality, and we