elegant,
requires genus. 'Tisn't every man that can come the scientifics in
that line, and has studied the nature of a pig, so as to beat him
at canoeuvering, and make him surrender 'cause he sees it ain't no
use of doing nothing. It wants larning to conwince them critters,
and it's only to be done by heading 'em up handsome, hopping which
ever way they hop, and tripping 'em up genteel by shaking hands
with their off hind leg. I'd scorn to pull their tails out by the
roots, or to hurt their feelin's by dragging 'em about by the
ears. But what's the use? If I was listed, they'd soon find out to
holler the hour and to ketch the thieves by steam; yes, and they'd
take 'em to court on a railroad, and try 'em with biling water.
They'll soon have black locomotives for watchmen and constables,
and big bilers for judges and mayors. Pigs will be ketched by
steam, and will be biled fit to eat before they are done
squealing. By and by, folks won't be of no use at all. There won't
be no people in the world but tea-kittles; no mouths, but
safety-valves; and no talking, but blowing off steam. If I had a
little biler inside of me, I'd turn omnibus, and week-days I'd run
from Kensington to the Navy Yard, and Sundays I'd run to
Fairmount.''

There is a world of wisdom in the syllabus, or 'argument,' prefixed to
each sketch; but for these we must refer the reader to the volume itself.
The DOGBERRYS too are as wise as their 'illustrious predecessor,' and are
quite as profuse of advice to 'the plaintiffs' who fall into their hands.
Take a single specimen: 'Take keer--don't persume; I'm a 'fishal
functionary out a-ketching of dogs. You mustn't cut up because it's night.
The mayor and the 'squires has gone to bed; but the law is a thing that
never gets asleep. After ten o'clock the law is a watchman and a
dog-ketcher; we're the whole law till breakfast's a'most ready.' 'You're a
clever enough kind of little feller, sonny; but you ain't been eddicated
to the law as I have; so I'll give you a lecture. Justice vinks at vot it
can't see, and lets them off vot it can't ketch. When you want to break
it, you must dodge. You may do what you like in your own house, and the
law don't know nothing about the matter. But never go thumping and bumping
about the streets, when you are primed and snapped. That's intemperance,
and the other is temperance. But now you come under the