* * * * *

THE POET.

[Commenting upon the fact that Mr. Justice Salter objected to Mr.
Wild, K.C., reading poetry in court, a contemporary gossip-writer
remarks, "Why do people write poetry?"]

The following communications, evidently intended for our contemporary,
were inadvertently addressed to Mr. Punch:--

DEAR SIR,--I took up poetry because I was once bitten by an editor's
dog and I determined to be avenged.

DEAR SIR,--Two years ago I lost Sidney, my pet silkworm, and as I had
to take up some hobby I decided on poetry.

DEAR SIR,--With me it is a gift. It just came to me. On the other hand
my friends often suggest my seeing a doctor, as they think there may
be a piece of bone pressing on the brain.

DEAR SIR,--I used to suffer from red hair, and gradually I am
getting the stuff turned grey. By the way, can you give me a rhyme
for "Camouflage"?

DEAR SIR,--I began writing lyrics for ragtime revues, because I
wanted to see what would happen if I just took hold of the pen and
let her rip.

* * * * *

From a calendar:--

"October 31. Wednesday.

August to October Game Certificates expire,
Mystical carpeted earth, with dead leaves of desire,
Disrobing earth dying beneath love's fire."

The rhymes are all right, but the scansion of the first line is
susceptible of improvement.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Fair Lecturer_ (_to Food Economy Committee_). "OF
COURSE I HAD TO MAKE IT AS SIMPLE AS POSSIBLE TO REACH A RATHER LOW
LEVEL OF INTELLECT. I HOPE YOU ALL UNDERSTOOD."]

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.)

It would seem that "BARTIMEUS" occupies the same relative position
towards the silent Navy of 1917 that JOHN STRANGE WINTER did towards
the Army of the pre-KIPLING era. All his men are magnificent fellows,
his women sympathetic and courageous. The Hun, depicted as an
unsportsman-like brute (which he is), invariably gets it in the neck
(which, I regret to say, he doesn't). And so all is for the best in
the best of all possible services. In the Navy they are nothing if
not consistent and, while the military storyteller who did not have
his knife into the higher command would be looked upon as a freak,
"BARTIMEUS" loyally includes amongst his galaxy of perfect people
Lords of the Admiralty no less than the lower r