surface three little red ants were having a cheap picnic and
wriggling about in ecstatic contortions on the banquet they were
enjoying. "Waiter," said Miss Russell, "I asked you for an island, but I
expressed no desire to have it inhabited--take it away and bring me a
_dessert_ island."

* * * * *

A lank, awkward countryman presented himself at the clerk's desk in an
American hotel, and, after having a room assigned to him, inquired at
what hours meals were served.

"Breakfast from seven to eleven, luncheon from eleven to three, dinner
from three to eight, supper from eight to twelve," recited the hotel
clerk glibly.

"Jerushy!" ejaculated the country man, with bulging eyes, "When am I
going to get time to see the town?"

* * * * *

A waiter in a restaurant once entered the room where a lady and
gentleman were dining--they were just finishing their soup--without any
preliminary knock. What he saw led him to stammer: "A thousand pardons,
Monsieur; I was too precipitate." "Why, you idiot," said the gentleman,
"what are you standing there for, with your head under the tray? Did you
never see a gentleman kiss a lady before in this restaurant?" "Oui,
Monsieur, but nevaire before ze feesh--nevaire!"

* * * * *

"It ain't any trouble to get along in Europe, whether you know the
language or not," said the man who had been on a "personally conducted."
"Take Germany, for instance. One day I wanted a drink, and I went into
one of the gardens and said to the waiter: 'Look here, old man, I'm dry;
do you understand? Dry!' and the next minute he came back with three
beers."

* * * * *

Mrs. Smith--"I'm afraid you'll have to look for a new place the first of
the month, Bridget." Fat Bridget--"What fur, Ma'am?" Mrs. Smith--"Mr.
Smith objects to so much waste in the kitchen." Fat Bridget--"Lor,
Ma'am, if that's all, I'll lace mesilf widin an inch of my life."

* * * * *

"I want you to come and dine with me," said John to Pat, "though I can
only offer you a nice piece of beef and boiled potatoes." "Don't make
the laist apology about the dinner," said Pat, "it's the very same I
should have had at home, barrin' the bafe."

* * * * *

"You must find that impediment in your speech rather inconvenient at
times, Mr. Brown."

"Oh, n-o--every