and a
rape.

It is all, I suppose, part of the old possessive idea which, making of
a woman something less than a human personality with wishes, desires and
temperament of her own, forbade the man to realize or even to know that
her body has its needs as well as his, and that to regard it merely as an
instrument is to be in danger of real cruelty.

You can bargain for the possession of a violin and the moment it is yours,
may play upon it. It is yours. If you are in the mood to play, it must be
ready for you. If it is not, then tune it, and it will be.[G] But a human
being cannot be treated so in any human relationship. It needs mutual
patience and mutual respect to make a relationship human.

[Footnote G: But even a violin will need to be tuned.]

This simple fact, however, has been so little understood of lovers, that
husbands have, in genuine ignorance of the cruelty they were committing,
raped their wives on their wedding night. Judging by what one knows of
wedding-days, it could hardly be supposed that there could be a more
unpropitious moment for the consummation of marriage. And when to the
fatigue and strain of the day is added--_as is still quite often the
case_--blank though uneasy ignorance as to what marriage involves, or the
thunderbolt of knowledge (_sic_) launched by the bride's mother the night
before, or the morning of the day itself, it would be difficult with the
utmost deliberation and skill better to ensure absolute repulsion and
horror on the part of the bride. I think that any man who would consider
this from the bride's point of view would see that she need not necessarily
be cold or unresponsive because, in such circumstances, she needs rest and
consideration more than passion. But I wish men could know a little more
than this, and understand that to enforce physical union when a woman's
psychical and emotional nature does not desire it, is definitely and
physically cruel. Woman is not a passive instrument, and to treat her as
such is to injure her.

Perhaps I may be forgiven for labouring this point because, in fact,
misunderstanding here is so disastrous. Marriage, after all, is a relation
into which the question of physical union enters, and if there is no
equality of desire, marriage will be much less than it might be. Women
are--idiotically--taught to believe that passion is a characteristic of the
depraved woman and of the normal man, who is shown by this fact to be on a
lower spirit