ist, philosopher, and editor,
Who thought the world his debtor and himself, of course, its creditor;
A man he was of wonderful vitup'rative fertility,
Though seeming an embodiment of mildness and docility,
This ancient agriculturist, philosopher, and editor.

The clothes he wore were shocking to the citizen aesthetical,
Assuredly they would not pass in circles which were critical,
So venerable were they, and so distant from propriety,
So utterly unsuited to respectable society,
Which numbers in its membership some citizens aesthetical.

He kept a model farm for every sort of wild experiment.
Which was to all the neighborhood a source of constant worriment;
For every one who passed that way pretended to be eager to
Discover pumpkin vines that ran across the fields a league or two,
So queer was the effect of each preposterous experiment.

He had a dreadful passion, which was not at all professional,
For going for an office, either local or congressional.
But though often nominated, yet the people wouldn't ratify,
Because they thought, quite properly, it would be wrong to gratify
The all-consuming passion that was not at all professional.

Among the many hobbies which he cantered on incessantly
Was one he called Protection, and he rode it quite unpleasantly;
For if any one dissented from his notions injudiciously,
He went for him immediately, ferociously and viciously,
Did this absurd equestrian who cantered on incessantly.

With which remarks the author of this brief, veracious history
Concludes his observations on the incarnated mystery
Known as an agriculturist, philosopher, and editor,
Who thought the world his debtor, and himself, of course, its creditor,
And who will surely figure on the oddest page in history.

* * * * *

THE FITTEST PLACE FOR A "PRESERVER" OF THE PEACE. A "Jam" on Broadway.

* * * * *

DR. HELMBOLD TO J.G. BENNETT, Jr. "Boo-shoo! fly."

* * * * *

[Illustration: A BRIGHT IDEA.

_Customer_. "WAITER, BRING ME SOME FROZEN CLAMS."

_Waiter (lately caught)_. "YES, SIR; WILL YOU HAVE 'EM ROASTED OR
BILED?"]

* * * * *

WORDS AND THEIR USES.

Nothing, except counting your stamps, can be more pleasant and exciting
than tracing out the origin of words