ar to the life of a married man, by never
embarking in the matrimonial ship.

Do not misunderstand me. I lived happily, very happily, with my sainted
BELINDA--it must be confessed that she had a striking partiality for
sardines, which caused considerable of a decrease in the profits of my
wholesale and retail grocery establishment. I cherish no resentment on
that account, but, as you probably well know, one of the discomforts of
matrimonial existence is children.

Sir, I have a daughter, who is considered passably good-looking by
certain appreciative individuals. Since the unfortunate demise of my
lamented wife, the profits of the mercantile establishment of which I am
proprietor have largely increased, and as REBECCA is my only child,
there is a considerable prospect of her bringing to the man who espouses
her, a comfortable dowry, and probably a share in my business.

I keep no man-servant, and after my daughter retires--generally at the
witching hour of two in the morning,--I am obliged to hobble down
stairs, extinguish the lights, cover the fire, lock up the house, and
ascertain whether it is perfectly fire and burglar-proof for the time
being.

Were this, sir, the only annoyance to which I am subjected, my wrath
would probably expend itself in a little growling, but hardly have I
reposed myself upon my couch, ere my ear catches an infernal tooting and
twanging and whispering, and a broken-winded German band, engaged by an
admirer of my REBECCA, strikes up some outrageous _pot pourri_, or
something of that sort, and sleep, disgusted, flees my pillow.

Last night--or rather this morning--they came again. Their discordant
symphonies roused me to desperation. I seized a bucket of slops, and;
opening the window, dashed the contents in the direction of the music;
the full force of the deluge striking a fat, froggy-looking little
Dutchman, who was puffing and blowing at a bassoon infinitely larger
than himself. He was just launching out into a prodigious strain, but it
expired while yet in the bloom of youth. He remained for a short time in
the famous posture of the Colossus of Rhodes, vainly endeavoring to
shake off the cigar-stumps and other little _et ceteras_ which were
clinging to him like cerements, uttering the while unintelligible oaths.
Then he struck for his _domus et placens uxor_ at as rapid a rate as his
little dumpy legs could carry him.

If they come to-night--if they dare to come--I will give them a