by day, the dreary bitterness of the cup
of dark and causeless depression, and laboured under an agonising
dejection of spirit. This intensity of suffering seemed to shake his
whole life to its foundation. It made havoc of his work, of his
friendships, of the easy philosophy of his life. He began to learn the
distressing necessity of dissembling his feelings; he endeavoured at
great cost to bear as unconcerned a part as before in simple
festivities and gatherings, while the clouds gathered and the thunder
muttered in his soul. And all the time the answer never came. Wrestle
as he might, there seemed to him an impenetrable barrier between him
and the golden light of God. He learnt in what dark and cold isolation
it is possible for the soul to wander. Slowly, very slowly, the
outlook brightened; a whole range of new emotions opened before him.
The expressions of suffering and sorrow, that had seemed to him before
but touching and beautiful phrases, became clear and vivid. His own
powers of expression became more subtle and rich. And thus, though he
gradually drifted back into a species of spiritual epicureanism, he
always felt grateful for his sojourn in the dark world. He did not
abandon his religious profession, but he became more content to suspend
his judgment. He saw dimly that the mistake he had made was in hoping
for anything of the nature of certainty. He became indeed aware that
the only persons who are indubitably in error, are those who make up
their minds in early life to a theory about God and the world, and who
from that moment admit no evidence into their minds except the evidence
that supports their view. Hugh saw that life must be, for him at all
events, a pilgrimage, in which, so long as his open-mindedness, his
candour, his enthusiasm did not desert him, there were endless lessons
to be learnt by the way. And thus he came back gratefully and wearily
to his old life, his old friendships. His college became to him a very
blessed place; apart from the ordinary social life, from the work and
the games which formed a background and framework in which
relationships were set, he found a new region of desires, impulses,
ideas, through which he wandered at his will.

At this time Hugh could not be said to be happy. The shadows of his
dark moods often hung about him, and he bore in his face the traces of
his suffering. He felt, too, that he had failed in his religious
quest, though side by side w