folly, tried to set it
aside; but back came the thought to me, in such a manner that I felt
that every step I was about to take to win back my place was not for
myself but for her sake. And the fear of his own unworthiness, which
comes to every man who truly loves, came upon me, and with it the ghost
of that duel of days long past.

There I had sinned, and sinned deeply, and it was poor consolation to
tell myself that the man does not live whose life could stand sunshine
on it. For me it was enough to know that I had committed a grievous
wrong; it was for me to find out how to right it, or make
compensation--empty regrets were useless.

Of that affair it may be as well to speak freely here. Amongst my
friends in the red days was one who was to me as David to Jonathan.
Godefrey de la Mothe was of an old family of the Tarantaise, and his
career at college had been of exceptional brilliancy. Some years my
senior, he had at first acquired great influence over me, an influence
ever exercised for my good. This lasted until my return from the
Italian campaign, when, seeing ruin staring me in the face, I had let
everything go, and sought to drown my sorrows in dissipation. My
friend strove to stay me; but, driven to madness, I repulsed all his
kindness. One day we met near the Louvre, in such a manner that there
was no avoiding him. He began to expostulate with me on my latest
folly. I answered back hotly, and at last there were high words
between us, and that was said by me for which there was but one remedy;
and he fell, as is known. Since then I could only regret. But now
there was punishment as well as regret. With the memory of this could
I dare to think of Diane? There was only one answer, and with that
answer I began to realise that what comes to all men had come to me,
and that I loved. In his gibing way Le Brusquet had said that a man
feels conscious of love in the same manner as he feels a sudden chill.
The words came back to me, and I laughed sadly, for there was truth in
them.

I own that the blue-devils took me to such an extent that I had
thoughts of abandoning everything; but this soon passed, and I made up
my mind to right things as far as man could, and leave the issue in the
hands of God. I had been paying for my sins for so many years that the
debt was almost quitted, and a stout heart would, perhaps, bring me to
shore.

Nevertheless, I passed a white night, and rising early in the mornin