-absolute sense--I never heard anything more
sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.

ABSOLUTE
I am happy in the appellation.

Sir ANTHONY
Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really
is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented
my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture--prepare.
What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?

ABSOLUTE
Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?

Sir ANTHONY
Worcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece,
Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last
ordered to your regiment?

ABSOLUTE
Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names
before. Yet, stay--I think I do recollect something. Languish!
Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?

Sir ANTHONY
Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no.

ABSOLUTE
Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

Sir ANTHONY
Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?

ABSOLUTE
As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the
matter, 'tis all I desire.

Sir ANTHONY
Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully
irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love!
Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the
insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips
smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly
pouting; more lovely in sullenness!

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.

Sir ANTHONY
Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!

ABSOLUTE
And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?

Sir ANTHONY
Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your
age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt
indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have
touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.

ABSOLUTE
Not to please your father, sir?

Sir ANTHONY
To please my father! zounds! not to please--Oh, my father--odd
so!--yes--yes; if my father indeed had desired--that's quite another
matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.

ABSOLUTE
I dare say not, sir.

Sir ANTHONY
But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?

ABSOLUTE
Sir, I repeat it--if I please you in this affair, 'tis al