***

We fear that our allotment-holders are losing their dash. The pumpkin
grown at Burwash Place, which measured six feet in circumference, is
still a pumpkin and not a potato.

***

The Grimsby magistrates have decided not to birch boys in the future,
but to fine their parents. Several soft-hearted boys have already
indicated that it will hurt them more than their parents.

***

A female defendant at a London police court last week was given the
choice of prison or marriage, and preferred to get married. How like
a woman!

***

A correspondent protests against the high prices paid for old
postage-stamps at a recent sale, and points out that stamps can be
obtained at one penny each at most post-offices, all ready for use.

***

A North of England lady last week climbed to the top of the
chimney-stack of a large munition works and affixed a silver coin in
the masonry. The lady is thought to be nervous of pickpockets.

***

A contemporary wit declares that nothing gives him more pleasure
than to see golfers at dinner. He loves to watch them doing the soup
course, using one iron all the way round.

***

There is no truth in the rumour that during a recent air-raid a man
was caught on the roof of a certain Government building in Whitehall
signalling to the Germans where not to drop their bombs.

***

It should be added that the practice of giving air-raid warnings by
notice published in the following morning's papers has been abandoned
only after the most exhaustive tests.

***

The Home Office announces that while it has not definitely decided
upon the method of giving warnings at night it will probably be by
gun fire. To distinguish this fire from the regular barrage it is
ingeniously suggested that the guns employed for the latter purpose
shall be painted blue, or some other distinctive colour.

***

It is reported that Sinn Fein's second-best war-cry, "Up the KAISER,"
is causing some irritation in the Wilhelmstrasse, where it is
freely admitted that the KAISER is already far higher up than the
circumstances justify.

***

The Lambeth magistrate recently referred to the case of a boy of
fifteen who is paying income-tax. Friends of the youth have since been
heard to say that there is such a thing as carrying the spirit of
reckless bravado too far.

***

"Farm work is proceeding slowly," says a Midland cor