Dmitri ever since their first meeting. For even that first meeting
has rankled in her heart as an insult--that's what her heart is like! She
has talked to me of nothing but her love for him. I am going now; but,
believe me, Katerina Ivanovna, you really love him. And the more he
insults you, the more you love him--that's your 'laceration.' You love him
just as he is; you love him for insulting you. If he reformed, you'd give
him up at once and cease to love him. But you need him so as to
contemplate continually your heroic fidelity and to reproach him for
infidelity. And it all comes from your pride. Oh, there's a great deal of
humiliation and self-abasement about it, but it all comes from pride.... I
am too young and I've loved you too much. I know that I ought not to say
this, that it would be more dignified on my part simply to leave you, and
it would be less offensive for you. But I am going far away, and shall
never come back.... It is for ever. I don't want to sit beside a
'laceration.'... But I don't know how to speak now. I've said
everything.... Good-by, Katerina Ivanovna; you can't be angry with me, for
I am a hundred times more severely punished than you, if only by the fact
that I shall never see you again. Good-by! I don't want your hand. You
have tortured me too deliberately for me to be able to forgive you at this
moment. I shall forgive you later, but now I don't want your hand. 'Den
Dank, Dame, begehr ich nicht,' " he added, with a forced smile, showing,
however, that he could read Schiller, and read him till he knew him by
heart--which Alyosha would never have believed. He went out of the room
without saying good-by even to his hostess, Madame Hohlakov. Alyosha
clasped his hands.

"Ivan!" he cried desperately after him. "Come back, Ivan! No, nothing will
induce him to come back now!" he cried again, regretfully realizing it;
"but it's my fault, my fault. I began it! Ivan spoke angrily, wrongly.
Unjustly and angrily. He must come back here, come back," Alyosha kept
exclaiming frantically.

Katerina Ivanovna went suddenly into the next room.

"You have done no harm. You behaved beautifully, like an angel," Madame
Hohlakov whispered rapidly and ecstatically to Alyosha. "I will do my
utmost to prevent Ivan Fyodorovitch from going."

Her face beamed with delight, to the great distress of Alyosha, but
Katerina Ivanovna suddenly returned. She had two hundred-rouble notes in
her hand.

"I have a great fav