o follow my fortunes,
though perfectly aware temptations might arise to prevent me from
ever returning--a circumstance she even mentioned herself.

"Mr. Johnson thought well of the project, and wished me to put it
early in execution: seemed less concerned at parting with me than I
wished him: thought his pupil Miss Thrale quite right in forbearing
to marry young, and seemed to entertain no doubt of living to see us
return rich and happy in two or three years' time. He told Hester in
my absence that he would not go with me if I asked him. See the
importance of a person to himself. I fancied Mr. Johnson could not
have existed without me, forsooth, as we have now lived together for
above eighteen years. I have so fondled him in sickness and in
health. Not a bit of it. He feels nothing in parting with me, nothing
in the least; but thinks it a prudent scheme, and goes to his books
as usual. This is philosophy and truth; he always said he hated a
_feeler_....

"The persecution I endure from men too who want to marry me--in good
time--is another reason for my desiring to be gone. I wish to marry
none of them, and Sir Philip's teazing me completed my mortification;
to see that one can rely on _nobody!_ The expences of this house,
however, which are quite past my power to check, is the true and
rational cause of our departure. In Italy we shall live with twice
the respect and at half the expence we do here; the language is
familiar to me and I love the Italians; I take with me all I love in
the world except my two baby daughters, who will be left safe at
school; and since Mr. Johnson cares nothing for the loss of my
personal friendship and company, there is no danger of any body else
breaking their hearts. My sweet Burney and Mrs. Byron will perhaps
think they are sorry, but my consciousness that no one _can_ have the
cause of concern that Johnson has, and my conviction that he has _no
concern at all_, shall cure me of lamenting friends left behind."

In the margin of this entry she has written, "I begin to see (now
everything shows it) that Johnson's connection with me is merely an
interested one; he _loved_ Mr. Thrale, I believe, but only wished to
find in me a careful nurse and humble friend for his sick and his
lounging hours; yet I really thought he could not have _existed_
without _my conversation_ forsooth! He cares more for my roast beef
and plum pudden, which he now devours too dirtily for endurance; and
since he is