the
disobliging them. A harsh word damps my spirits to a degree of silencing
all I have to say. I knew the folly of my own temper, and took the
method of writing to the disposer of me. I said everything in this
letter I thought proper to move him, and proffered, in atonement for not
marrying whom he would, never to marry at all. He did not think fit to
answer this letter, but sent for me to him. He told me he was very much
surprized that I did not depend on his judgment for my future happiness;
that he knew nothing I had to complain of, &c.; that he did not doubt I
had some other fancy in my head, which encouraged me to this
disobedience; but he assured me, if I refused a settlement he had
provided for me, he gave me his word, whatever proposals were made him,
he would never so much as enter into a treaty with any other; that, if I
founded any hopes upon his death, I should find myself mistaken, he
never intended to leave me anything but an annuity of L400 per annum;
that, though another would proceed in this manner after I had given so
just a pretence for it, yet he had [the] goodness to leave my destiny
yet in my own choice, and at the same time commanded me to communicate
my design to my relations, and ask their advice. As hard as this may
sound, it did not shock my resolution; I was pleased to think, at any
price, I had it in my power to be free from a man I hated. I told my
intention to all my nearest relations. I was surprised at their blaming
it, to the greatest degree. I was told, they were sorry I would ruin
myself; but, if I was so unreasonable, they could not blame my F.
[father] whatever he inflicted on me. I objected I did not love him.
They made answer, they found no necessity of loving; if I lived well
with him, that was all was required of me; and that if I considered this
town, I should find very few women in love with their husbands, and yet
a many happy. It was in vain to dispute with such prudent people; they
looked upon me as a little romantic, and I found it impossible to
persuade them that living in London at liberty was not the height of
happiness. However, they could not change my thoughts, though I found I
was to expect no protection from them. When I was to give my final
answer to----, I told him that I preferred a single life to any other;
and, if he pleased to permit me, I would take that resolution. He
replied, he could not hinder my resolutions, but I should not pretend
after that to pleas