our aching brows; she bears our children--ours
as a general thing. In all relations of life, sir, it is but a just and
graceful tribute to woman to say of her that she is a brick.

Wheresoever you place woman, sir--in whatever position or estate--she
is an ornament to the place she occupies, and a treasure to the world.
[Here Mr. Clemens paused, looked inquiringly at his hearers, and
remarked that the applause should come in at this point. It came in.
He resumed his eulogy.] Look at Cleopatra! look at Desdemona!--look at
Florence Nightingale!--look at Joan of Arc!--look at Lucretia Borgia!
[Disapprobation expressed.] Well [said Mr. Clemens, scratching his head,
doubtfully], suppose we let Lucretia slide. Look at Joyce Heth!--look at
Mother Eve! You need not look at her unless you want to, but [said
Mr. Clemens, reflectively, after a pause] Eve was ornamental,
sir--particularly before the fashions changed. I repeat, sir, look at
the illustrious names of history. Look at the Widow Machree!--look at
Lucy Stone!--look at Elizabeth Cady Stanton!--look at George Francis
Train! And, sir, I say it with bowed head and deepest veneration--look
at the mother of Washington! She raised a boy that could not tell a
lie--could not tell a lie! But he never had any chance. It might
have been different if he had belonged to the Washington Newspaper
Correspondents' Club.

I repeat, sir, that in whatever position you place a woman she is an
ornament to society and a treasure to the world. As a sweetheart, she
has few equals and no superiors; as a cousin, she is convenient; as a
wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper, she is precious; as a
wetnurse, she has no equal among men.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would
be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. Then let us cherish her; let us protect
her; let us give her our support, our encouragement, our sympathy,
ourselves--if we get a chance.

But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is lovable, gracious, kind
of heart, beautiful--worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all
deference. Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially
in this bumper of wine, for each and every one has personally known, and
loved, and honored the very best one of them all--his own mother.

ADVICE TO GIRLS

In 1907 a young girl whom Mr. Clemens met on the steamer
Minnehaha called him "grandpa," and he called her his
grand