f my life
I shall work for my personal contentment. I am glad Miss Neron has fed
me, for there is no telling what iniquity I might wander into on an
empty stomach--I mean, an empty mind.

I am going to tell you a practical story about how once upon a time
I was blind--a story I should have been using all these months, but I
never thought about telling it until the other night, and now it is too
late, for on the nineteenth of this month I hope to take formal leave
of the platform forever at Carnegie Hall--that is, take leave so far as
talking for money and for people who have paid money to hear me talk. I
shall continue to infest the platform on these conditions--that there
is nobody in the house who has paid to hear me, that I am not paid to
be heard, and that there will be none but young women students in the
audience. [Here Mr. Clemens told the story of how he took a girl to the
theatre while he was wearing tight boots, which appears elsewhere in
this volume, and ended by saying: "And now let this be a lesson to
you--I don't know what kind of a lesson; I'll let you think it out."]

GIRLS

In my capacity of publisher I recently received a manuscript from
a teacher which embodied a number of answers given by her pupils to
questions propounded. These answers show that the children had nothing
but the sound to go by--the sense was perfectly empty. Here are some of
their answers to words they were asked to define: Auriferous--pertaining
to an orifice; ammonia--the food of the gods; equestrian--one who asks
questions; parasite--a kind of umbrella; ipecaca--man who likes a good
dinner. And here is the definition of an ancient word honored by a
great party: Republican--a sinner mentioned in the Bible. And here is
an innocent deliverance of a zoological kind: "There are a good many
donkeys in the theological gardens." Here also is a definition which
really isn't very bad in its way: Demagogue--a vessel containing beer
and other liquids. Here, too, is a sample of a boy's composition on
girls, which, I must say, I rather like:

"Girls are very stuckup and dignified in their manner and behaveyour.
They think more of dress than anything and like to play with dowls and
rags. They cry if they see a cow in a far distance and are afraid of
guns. They stay at home all the time and go to church every Sunday. They
are al-ways sick. They are al-ways furry and making fun of boys hands
and they say how dirty. They cant play ma