ll my fate be! I bless the happy accident that brought him here at
nightfall, for otherwise every one must have observed my blushes, my
embarrassment, and that throbbing at my heart which deprived me of the
power of speech and took away my breath; he too would have understood my
joy! I never saw him so tender before; but the future--what will that
be?...

Until now, I have always feigned not to comprehend the meaning of his
words, and have striven to hide from him all that was passing in my
soul; but can I always control myself when I must see him every moment?
Ah! how painful will be the effort!... What torture ever to repress the
best feelings of one's soul! To refuse expression to my thoughts, when
my thoughts are all personified in him.... Notwithstanding my efforts, I
fear lest my heart should be in my eyes, in my voice, in some word
apparently trivial.... God give me courage, for what can my future
destiny be? On what can I rely?... My fate sometimes appears to me so
brilliant, I foresee a superhuman happiness; and then again it seems to
me so dark and menacing that a shudder runs through my whole frame.

I do not know what to decide upon; I do not know whether I should trust
to my heart or my reason. Alas! my reason--I have only fears and
melancholy foreshadowings, which lead me back to the truth when I have
yielded too willingly to the enchantment of such sweet illusions.

If I could confide in any one; if I could find a friend and guide in the
princess! But my attachment to her is too respectful to be tender and
confiding; then she says, perhaps by chance, words which destroy my
desire to make a confidante of her. She blames the prince's character,
and pities the woman who would bind herself to him.... The palatine
gives me no assistance; he doubtless believes my virtue is strong enough
to suffice without aid or counsel.

I will accept all the happiness which Heaven may send me; I will guard
it as a sacred treasure, but I will commit no imprudence, no action
unworthy of my name. God will be my refuge; he will deign to enlighten
me. I passed the whole of last night in prayer. Ah! how sorry I am the
Abbe Baudoin is not here, for each day will be a new trial. The prince
will remain some time at the castle; the princes, his brothers, will
soon join him here, and great projects for hunting have been made.

_May 18th._ evening.

Heaven has been gracious, and my dest