BEFORE YOU JOINED THE ARMY? A
SNAKE-CHARMER?"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: HOME-MADE MUNITIONS.]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "HEAVENS, SERGEANT, WHAT'S THIS?"

"THAT JOKE OF MINE, YOU KNOW--WHEN I ASK A RECRUIT WHO'S BEEN THROWN,
'WHO THE DEVIL ASKED YOU TO DISMOUNT, SIR?' WELL, HERE'S ONE OF THE
PAPERS SAYS IT'S THE OLDEST WHEEZE IN THE WORLD!"]

[Illustration: WHY NOT V.A.D. SECTION OF VIVANDIERES AT OUR
THEATRE-BARS TO RENDER FIRST AID TO ANY RECKLESS YOUTH WHO HAS THE
TEMERITY TO TAKE A THEATER WHISKY?]

* * * * *

A FALSE ALARM.

[Illustration: "CALL ME AT SEVEN SHARP."]

BOOM!

BANG!

CRASH!

"OH, ZEPPS?"

"I WAS AFRAID IT WAS TIME TO GET UP!"]

* * * * *

THE COMPLETE FILM ACTOR.

[Illustration: "ARE YOU A GOOD PUGILIST?"]

Mr. Percy Garrick Smithers, actor, finding the path to fame less
smooth on the legitimate stage than he believed it to be by the Cinema
route, went to a producer of film plays and offered his services.

"Yes," said the producer, "I might possibly give you lead in a big
sensational I am about to put up. Are you a good pugilist?"

"I have indulged a little in the pastime of sparring," answered Percy.

"Good," said the producer. "You see, the picture opens with Bill
Bloodred, the champion prize-fighter, demanding certain documents from
his aged uncle. As the latter won't surrender the papers. Bill gives
him a swinging blow to the jaw, a few more heavy ones to various other
parts of the body, and then proceeds to kick the old man to death as
the latter lies helpless on the floor. It's one of those thrilling
scenes the juveniles like so much! Then _you_ come in and tackle
Bill."

"Quite so," said Percy.

"A terrific fight ensues. Bill surpasses anything he has ever done
in the ring, and it goes on until at last you collapse. Bill escapes,
leaving you for dead. Do you catch the idea?"

"Pretty well," said Percy.

[Illustration: "IT IS YOURSELF _VERSUS_ THE POLICE."]

"Now Bill goes straight away to the police office and states that
you have murdered his uncle. When you come to, you are surrounded by
about twenty members of the police force, the chief of whom slips the
handcuffs over your wrists. With one wrench you snap the chain and are
free!"

"With _one_ wrench?" asked Percy, to be sure he was getting the
details correctly.

"With one