adful reproaches of my
conscience, extorted some words from me like praying to God, though I
cannot say they were either a prayer attended with desires or with hopes:
it was rather the voice of mere fright and distress. My thoughts were
confused, the convictions great upon my mind, and the horror of dying in
such a miserable condition raised vapours into my head with the mere
apprehensions; and in these hurries of my soul I knew not what my tongue
might express. But it was rather exclamation, such as, "Lord, what a
miserable creature am I! If I should be sick, I shall certainly die for
want of help; and what will become of me!" Then the tears burst out of
my eyes, and I could say no more for a good while. In this interval the
good advice of my father came to my mind, and presently his prediction,
which I mentioned at the beginning of this story--viz. that if I did take
this foolish step, God would not bless me, and I would have leisure
hereafter to reflect upon having neglected his counsel when there might
be none to assist in my recovery. "Now," said I, aloud, "my dear
father's words are come to pass; God's justice has overtaken me, and I
have none to help or hear me. I rejected the voice of Providence, which
had mercifully put me in a posture or station of life wherein I might
have been happy and easy; but I would neither see it myself nor learn to
know the blessing of it from my parents. I left them to mourn over my
folly, and now I am left to mourn under the consequences of it. I abused
their help and assistance, who would have lifted me in the world, and
would have made everything easy to me; and now I have difficulties to
struggle with, too great for even nature itself to support, and no
assistance, no help, no comfort, no advice." Then I cried out, "Lord, be
my help, for I am in great distress." This was the first prayer, if I
may call it so, that I had made for many years.

But to return to my Journal.

_June_ 28.--Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had had, and
the fit being entirely off, I got up; and though the fright and terror of
my dream was very great, yet I considered that the fit of the ague would
return again the next day, and now was my time to get something to
refresh and support myself when I should be ill; and the first thing I
did, I filled a large square case-bottle with water, and set it upon my
table, in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or aguish
disposition o