d.

PATLANDER.

* * * * *

[Illustration: OWING TO PRESSURE FROM THE ALL-HIGHEST, HIS ORIENTAL
ALLY IS FORMING A MAGIC-CARPET BOMBING SQUADRON.]

* * * * *

MORE SEX PROBLEMS.

From a stock-auction report:--

"THE BULL CALVES. THE BULL CALVES."
_Glasgow Herald._

Notwithstanding the repetition of this statement we find great
difficulty in believing it.

* * * * *

"SOLDIERS' CHRISTMAS GIFTS. POSTING DATES FOR EGYPT AND SALONIKA."
_Times._

It sounds a little like consigning coal to Newcastle.

* * * * *

"AIR RAIDS.--Peaceful country rectory, Hampshire, well out of
danger zone, can receive three or four paying guests. Large
garden, beautiful scenery, high, bracing. Simple life. L10
each weekly."--_The Times._

This enterprising parson seems to have borrowed his recipe for the
simple life from GRAY'S _Elegy_:--

Along the cool sequester'd vale of life
They kept the noiseless tenner of their way.

* * * * *

BEASTS ROYAL.

IV.

KING HENRY'S STAG-HOUND. A.D. 1536.

Ten puffs upon my master's toes,
And twenty on his sleeves,
Upon his hat a Tudor rose
Set round with silver leaves;
But never a hunting-spear,
And never a rowel-spur;
Who is this that he calls his Dear?
I think I will bark at her.

The Windsor groves were fresh and green,
Dangling with Summer dew,
When my master rode with his Spanish queen,
And the huntsman cried, "Halloo!"
Now never a horn is heard,
And never the lances stir;
Who is this that he calls his Bird?
I think I will follow her.

To-night my master walks alone
In the pleached pathway dim,
And the thick moss reddens on the stone
Where she used to walk with him.
When will he shout for the glove
And the spear of the verderer?
Where is she gone whom he called his Love?
For I cannot follow her.

* * * * *

SECOND CHILDHOOD.

I must make a confession to someone. I have wasted raw material which
is a substitute for something else indispensable for defeating the
Hun, and probably traitor is the right name for me. Let me explain.

Somewhere in Nutshire there is a place called Cotterham. It is one of
those little villages which