s weight-chart. I'm always going to keep it there."

Well, well, if Suzanne looks after the weighing-in I can at least control
the paying-in. And I left it at that.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Brown._ "WHAT DID THEY GIVE OLD SLOWCOMBE THE O.B.E. FOR?"

_Jones._ "THE 'OTHER BEGGARS' ENERGY,' I IMAGINE."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Fond Parent_ (_who has done pretty well in woollens_).
"WELL, SONNY, WE'VE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU THE BEST EDUCATION THAT MONEY CAN
BUY. AFTER ALL, YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING EXCEPT BE A GENTLEMAN."]

* * * * *

IF THE ARMY ADVERTISED.

BATTALION ORDERS.

(1) _Duties, Officers._--Orderly Officer for to-morrow: Second-Lieutenant
W. Jenks.

W. Jenks is prepared to undertake duty for any brother subaltern.
Terms--one day's pay, plus fifty per cent. for Saturdays or Sundays
(handsome discount for cash in advance). Sleepless activity. Guards visited
courteously but firmly. Any unusual occurrence handled with precision and
despatch. Engage W. Jenks to do your duty, then sign your report with a
clear conscience. Testimonials from all ranks.

(2) _Parades._--0830 hours and 1130 hours, as per routine.

Hello! Hello!! Hello!!! Come in your hundreds. Amusing and health-giving.
Bracing barrack-square; magnificent pedestrian exercise. Come and be
experimented on by Sergt.-Major Whizbang, the great military spellbinder.
See the Adjutant put Company Commanders through the hoop. Screams of
laughter at every performance. Best places in the ranks for those who
arrive early. Twice daily (Sundays excepted) till further notice. Breakfast
kept for those attending first house.

(3) _Dress, etc., Officers._--Attention is again drawn to recent
instructions on these matters.

Why invite trouble when the local A.P.M. is simply yearning to advise you
on points of etiquette? A kindly benevolent man who never forgets that he
himself was once a regimental officer. He will tell you whether or not you
may arm your aged grandmother across a busy London street without risking
your commission. If you favour whiskers, call and see his inimitable museum
of permissible patterns. Always at your service.

(4) _Musketry._--The next party to fire General Musketry Course will
proceed on the 2nd prox.

The finest form of outdoor sport (for these who prefer it to any other) is
shooting. We are making up a little party to procee