he sculls and I pulled out
into the stream. I pulled like a madman; and that great man, with his
bare arms crossed, was like a huge, tawny bull sitting there opposite
me. Presently he took my place, and I took the rudder lines. I could see
his chest, covered with hair, heaving up and down, it gave me a sort of
comfort--it meant that we were getting nearer. Then it grew dark, there
was no moon, I could barely see the bank; there's something in the dark
which drives one into oneself. People tell you there comes a moment when
your nature is decided--'saved' or 'lost' as they call it--for good
or evil. That is not true, your self is always with you, and cannot be
altered; but, sir, I believe that in a time of agony one finds out what
are the things one can do, and what are those one cannot. You get to
know yourself, that's all. And so it was with me. Every thought and
memory and passion was so clear and strong! I wanted to kill him. I
wanted to kill myself. But her--no! We are taught that we possess our
wives, body and soul, we are brought up in that faith, we are commanded
to believe it--but when I was face to face with it, those words had no
meaning; that belief, those commands, they were without meaning to me,
they were--vile. Oh yes, I wanted to find comfort in them, I wanted to
hold on to them--but I couldn't. You may force a body; how can you force
a soul? No, no--cowardly! But I wanted to--I wanted to kill him and
force her to come back to me! And then, suddenly, I felt as if I were
pressing right on the most secret nerve of my heart. I seemed to see
her face, white and quivering, as if I'd stamped my heel on it. They say
this world is ruled by force; it may be true--I know I have a weak spot
in me.... I couldn't bear it. At last I Jumped to my feet and shouted
out, 'Turn the boat round!' Tor looked up at me as if I had gone mad.
And I had gone mad. I seized the boat-hook and threatened him; I called
him fearful names. 'Sir,' he said, 'I don't take such names from any
one!' 'You'll take them from me,' I shouted; 'turn the boat round, you
idiot, you hound, you fish!...' I have a terrible temper, a perfect
curse to me. He seemed amazed, even frightened; he sat down again
suddenly and pulled the boat round. I fell on the seat, and hid my face.
I believe the moon came up; there must have been a mist too, for I
was cold as death. In this life, sir, we cannot hide our faces--but by
degrees the pain of wounds grows less. Some