s he, 'in
'most any respect if it was secular affairs, but this is not so. The
smiles of woman,' goes on Paisley, 'is the whirlpool of Squills and
Chalybeates, into which vortex the good ship Friendship is often drawn
and dismembered. I'd assault a bear that was annoying you,' says
Paisley, 'or I'd endorse your note, or rub the place between your
shoulder-blades with opodeldoc [9] the same as ever; but there my
sense of etiquette ceases. In this fracas with Mrs. Jessup we play
it alone. I've notified you fair.'

[FOOTNOTE 9: opodeldoc--a camphorated liniment of soap mixed with
alcohol]

"And then I collaborates with myself, and offers the following
resolutions and by-laws:

"'Friendship between man and man,' says I, 'is an ancient historical
virtue enacted in the days when men had to protect each other against
lizards with eighty-foot tails and flying turtles. And they've kept up
the habit to this day, and stand by each other till the bellboy comes
up and tells them the animals are not really there [10]. I've often
heard,' I says, 'about ladies stepping in and breaking up a friendship
between men. Why should that be? I'll tell you, Paisley, the first sight
and hot biscuit of Mrs. Jessup appears to have inserted a oscillation
into each of our bosoms. Let the best man of us have her. I'll play you
a square game, and won't do any underhanded work. I'll do all of my
courting of her in your presence, so you will have an equal opportunity.
With that arrangement I don't see why our steamboat of friendship should
fall overboard in the medicinal whirlpools you speak of, whichever of us
wins out.'

[FOOTNOTE 10: animals . . . there--a reference to delerium
tremens, in which hallucinatory visions of animals
or insects is common. O. Henry was a heavy drinker
in his later years (he probably died of complications
of alcoholism) and might have experienced delerium
tremens personally.]

"'Good old hoss!' says Paisley, shaking my hand. 'And I'll do the
same,' says he. 'We'll court the lady synonymously, and without any
of the prudery and bloodshed usual to such occasions. And we'll be
friends still, win or lose.'

"At one side of Mrs. Jessup's eating-house was a bench under some
trees where she used to sit in the breeze after the south-bound had
been fed and gone. And there me and Paisley used to congregate