stockings on,' 'I haven't got
any memory,' 'I haven't got any money in my purse; we usually say, 'I
haven't any stockings on,' 'I haven't any memory!' 'I haven't any money
in my purse.' You say 'out of window'; we always put in a the. If
one asks 'How old is that man?' the Briton answers, 'He will be about
forty'; in the American language we should say, 'He is about forty.'
However, I won't tire you, sir; but if I wanted to, I could pile
up differences here until I not only convinced you that English and
American are separate languages, but that when I speak my native tongue
in its utmost purity an Englishman can't understand me at all."

"I don't wish to flatter you, but it is about all I can do to understand
you now."

That was a very pretty compliment, and it put us on the pleasantest
terms directly--I use the word in the English sense.

[Later--1882. Esthetes in many of our schools are now beginning to teach
the pupils to broaden the 'a,' and to say "don't you," in the elegant
foreign way.]

ROGERS

This Man Rogers happened upon me and introduced himself at the town of
-----, in the South of England, where I stayed awhile. His stepfather
had married a distant relative of mine who was afterward hanged; and so
he seemed to think a blood relationship existed between us. He came
in every day and sat down and talked. Of all the bland, serene human
curiosities I ever saw, I think he was the chiefest. He desired to look
at my new chimney-pot hat. I was very willing, for I thought he would
notice the name of the great Oxford Street hatter in it, and respect
me accordingly. But he turned it about with a sort of grave compassion,
pointed out two or three blemishes, and said that I, being so recently
arrived, could not be expected to know where to supply myself. Said he
would send me the address of his hatter. Then he said, "Pardon me," and
proceeded to cut a neat circle of red tissue paper; daintily notched the
edges of it; took the mucilage and pasted it in my hat so as to cover
the manufacturer's name. He said, "No one will know now where you got
it. I will send you a hat-tip of my hatter, and you can paste it over
this tissue circle." It was the calmest, coolest thing--I never admired
a man so much in my life. Mind, he did this while his own hat sat
offensively near our noses, on the table--an ancient extinguisher of
the "slouch" pattern, limp and shapeless with age, discolored by
vicissitudes of the weather,