VERY jackass who ever was seen in the pig-skin knows perfectly well,
or ought to know, unless his brain has gone barnacle-hunting in one of
Mr. J.'s journalistic bum-boats, that a race is to take place at Epsom
in the early part of next month. It has been customary to speak of
this race as the Derby, and to imagine that the owner whose horse wins
it gains possession of the Blue ribbon of the turf. As if, forsooth,
in a matter like this, the colour mattered in the very least. But
I have a further objection to this hugger-mugger, three-cornered,
rag-and-bone, vermilion-faced, grog-blossomed, hash-headed fashion of
describing things, and it is this. If a two-year-old, provided with
one of Mrs. PARTINGTON'S patent range-finding, rectangular brooms, can
beat an unbroken four-year-old over the Nose-bag Handicap Course
by fourteen shoe-nails in a hundred, how in the name of all that
is lop-sided can a three-masted frigate in full sail keep up with a
Chinese Junk on Southampton Water? I pause for a reply, but knowing
the anserous, venomous imbecility of the vermin who infest the turf, I
think it will be a long time before I get one.

_Crimson Jack_ is a good horse--no thanks to the puddling and
pilfering slop-shop proprietors who manage him. When he used to draw
a dust-cart in Grosvenor Square he accustomed himself to the sound
of the saddling bell, and now knows when luncheon time has arrived.
A year ago, I wouldn't have given a copper shirt-stud for him, never
having even heard of him. Now I believe him to be worth even more than
the L10 given for him by the Ropes Contingent. But I have got my eye
on them, and they know it. The mooncalves * * * gruel-brains * * *
puddling simpletons * * * muddy and pernicious rascals * * * dolts,
dumplings and dunderheads * * * poisonous, pestilential, crawling,
goose-faced reptiles * * * rely on it I know. * * *

[There has been no time to send this proof for correction, and it
has, therefore, been printed as it was received, gaps and all.--ED.
_Punch._]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A LITTLE PARTY IN EAST AFRICA ONLY GOING TO COLLECT A
FEW BUTTERFLIES AND FLOWERS FOR THE DEAR KAISER, THAT IS ALL!!

"We came very near to having Kilima-Njaro attached to the British
Empire, only the German Emperor said he would very much like it,
because he was so fond of the _flora_ and _fauna_ of the place....
Would the English have expected to get any territory on account of