s greatly delighted with the Y.M.C.A." 21

"I wasn't so very wrong--just the slight difference between port
and present arms" 24

"The first thing he did was to mix poor dear grandfather a drink"
25

"I was tempted to shoot the cartridge out just to make it lighter"
28

"One fourth of the entire Pelham field artillery passed over my
body" 29

"The procedure, of course, did not go unnoticed" 32

"This war is going to put a lot of Chinamen out of business" 44

"I stood side-ways, thus decreasing the possible area of danger" 45

"I'm a God-fearing sailor man who is doing the best he can to keep
clean" 48

"I took him around and introduced him to the rest of the dogs and
several of the better sort of goats" 49

"I resumed my slumber, but not with much comfort" 52

"I lost completely something in the neighborhood of 10,000 men" 53

"Fogerty came bearing down on me in a cloud of dust" 58

"For the most part, however, he sat quietly on my lap and sniffed"
59

"I carried all the flour to-day that was raised last year in the
southern section of the State of Montana" 76

"'Oh,' said Tony, 'I thought this was a restaurant'" 77

"'I would still remain in a dense fog,' I gasped in a low voice" 82

"'Buddy' I came in and 'Buddy' I go out" 83

BILTMORE OSWALD

_The Diary of A Hapless Recruit_

_Feb. 23d._ "And what," asked the enlisting officer, regarding me as
if I had insulted him, his family and his live stock, "leads you to
believe that you are remotely qualified to join the Navy?"

At this I almost dropped my cane, which in the stress of my patriotic
preoccupation I had forgotten to leave home.

"Nothing," I replied, making a hasty calculation of my numerous
useless accomplishments, "nothing at all, sir, that is, nothing to
speak of. Of course I've passed a couple of seasons at Bar
Harbor--perhaps that--"

"Bar Harbor!" exploded the officer. "Bar! bah! bah--dammit," he broke
off, "I'm bleating."

"Yes, sir," said I with becoming humility. His hostility increased.

"Do you enlist for foreign service?" he snapped.

"Sure," I replied. "It will all be foreign to me."

The long line of expectant recruits began to close in upon us until a
thirsty, ingratiating semi-circle was formed around the officer's
desk. Upon the multitude he glared bitterly.

"Orderly! why can't you