.

"I naturally congratulated myself on having seen this play, for it gave
me power to cope with this relentless disposition.

"He resisted all attempts at conversation, however, in the most dogged
manner, barely returning surly monosyllables to my anxious wishes for
his well being.

"At last, laying my hand on his shoulder, and throwing considerable
pathos into my voice, I said:

"My friend, it was not always thus with you. There was a time when you
sat upon your mother's knee, and gathered buttercups and daisies?"

"Ah! I had touched the right chord at last. His brow contracted and his
lips twitched convulsively."

"And when that mother put you in your little bed," I continued, "she
kissed you, and hoped you would grow up a--"

"You lie," said he, "she didn't. The old woman was six foot under ground
afore I could chaw. Now, look a here, you're the fourth chap that's
tried the 'mother' dodge on me. Why don't you fellers" he added with a
malicious grin, "go back on the mother business, and give the old man a
chance, jest for a change?"

"After the above scurvy treatment I was naturally anxious to witness the
man's funeral, which I understood was to be a gorgeous affair, six
respectably-attired females having been sworn in to kiss the body, amid
the hysteric weeps of three more in the background."

* * * * *

[Illustration: PRACTICAL.

_Housewife._ "VAKE YOU UP, HANS--HERE'S ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY."

_Hans, (dreamily.)_ "ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?--DEN LET US HAVE ANODER
BRUSSIAN BIER."]

* * * * *

Hot and Cold.

The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the question of
an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability that we shall be
without ice before winter sets in. It is only for the purpose of keeping
us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan't have cold water.

* * * * *

[Illustration: NOT JUST YET!

_Mr. Greeley._ "PRAY, TAKE A SEAT, MR. WOODFORD; I WOULDN'T ON ANY
ACCOUNT DEPRIVE YOU," etc., etc.

_Mr. Woodford._ "No! NO!--TAKE IT YOURSELF, MR. GREELEY; THE LAST THING
I SHOULD THINK OF WOULD BE," etc., etc.

_Governor Hoffman._ "DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELVES, GENTLEMEN: I SHALL
PROBABLY CONTINUE TO OCCUPY THE CHAIR FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, YET."]

* * * * *

COMIC ZOOLOGY.

Genus, Phoca.--The Seal.

This is the common name of the inoff