are dreaming of a throne for me. So I don't
want to marry him. I only say I am jealous; that is why I am going
to Rome. If I stayed in Nice I could not work; I should only torment
myself. Since knowing him, since he has paid me attention, my
studies have suffered greatly, especially since it has seemed to me,
and I am almost sure of it, that he is not madly in love with me, I
have not been able to read a book or practise an hour on the piano.

Paris, November 18th, 1875.

Tired enough, finery will use me up, me and my money. But that is
why I came to Paris, and we must do things conscientiously. I need
not say that I am not having anything made in colours, everything is
white.

I feel sad, unnerved, I should like to smile and to weep. No,
really, love is full of interest.

I was in good spirits this evening, I talked with my aunt, and
complained of M---- A----. She answered that M---- A---- was a girl
of the street, a worthless creature. I declared that she deserved
every punishment for having, without knowing me, from mere gossip,
formed a bad opinion of me and basely slandered me. Seizing a sheet
of paper, I wrote:

"Contemptible old creature, your daughter no longer loves G----,
she loves a door-keeper in the Theatre Italien, who is a very
handsome fellow."

I sent this to D----, who is going to mail it as if it came from
Nice.

I wanted to howl this morning, but it would be too much like the
dogs--I sigh and I laugh, which is amusing.

"Good Heavens," I said to my aunt yesterday, "do you suppose I could
be in love? What I want is wealth. If my heart beats, it is when I
see superb carriages, magnificent horses; if I am agitated, it is
with the longing to have all these things.

"No, Madame, even if I loved any one, the luxury here would cure me
very quickly. You don't know me, or you pretend not to know me."

I never spoke more truthfully; my aunt believed me, and began to
comfort me; to calculate, to try to have money enough to satisfy my
wants.

I worship people when they show good will. But the line of railroad
that leads me to the Duc de H---- has made a tremendous curve!
Yesterday he suddenly presented himself to my mind, so handsome that
I am again completely captivated.

November 19th, 1875.

I have spent a day between L---- and W----. It is full of interest,
for dress forms an art, a talent, a science! Finery to this degree
of perfection is a treat.

Oh, dear, how tiresome life is wh