othing but the
words:

"My God, have pity on me!"

* * * * *

I who thought I must succeed in everything, see that I am failing
everywhere. I shall never console myself for it. How everything in
this world repeats itself! I went lately to the Aquaviva terrace and
looked to the right. It was in winter, and the mist was gathering on
the Promenade. I saw the Duc de H---- go into G----'s, and now it is
precisely the same thing, only then I ordered myself to love him,
and now I forbid myself to love.

Then I was crazy over the man; now he interests me because he looked
at me.

In a word, why and how? What do the reasons matter? I do not love
him. Oh, but I am so provoked! "Come," I said, "rouse yourself, I
won't cry about that."

To straighten myself, throw back my head, smile scornfully, then
indifferently, and that is all; moisten the ropes, as they did in
moving the obelisk of Sixtus Quintus, and I shall be on my
pedestal--and I have not an instant's strength. I preferred to stay
in my armchair and murmur:

"I fail in everything now."

Confess, you who will read these lines, am I a man? Confess that I
have reason to be angry over it.

I, the queen, the goddess. I, who should be worshipped kneeling; I,
who do not want to move my little finger lest I should bestow too
much honour; I with my ideas; I with my ambition; I with my pride! I
confess that, after having seen him go into G----'s like a master, I
feel a sort of respect for him; he acts the duke.

This evening "_Alice de Nevers_," a comic opera by Herve, was given
for the first time. Our box had been engaged a long while, first
proscenium at the right. I was dressed with more care than usual;
hair arranged in Marie Antoinette style, without the powder. The
whole was drawn up, even the fringe in front. I left only a few
little locks at each side. My beautiful white forehead, thus bared,
gave me a royal air, and at the back I let two curls hang, waved
just at the end.

Gown of dove-grey taffeta and a white fichu. In short, Marie
Antoinette in miniature. I felt well satisfied, and gazed at the
base multitude from the height of my grandeur. Lighting _a giorno_.
I was looked at quite enough.

He could not help staring at me like the rest. Everybody came to our
box.

At every intermission I went to the back, so that I would not have
to turn my head at each visit. Just as the curtain was rising the
Prefect's son and A---- e