t many
women like her in my life. She was about forty; but she believed in
goodness, and loved everything fine with the enthusiasm of a girl of
fifteen, and was not afraid to give utterance to her convictions before
any one whatever. I shall never forget her generous enthusiasm and
goodness. By her advice I drew up a plan.... But then my influence
was undermined, I was misrepresented to her. My chief enemy was the
professor of mathematics, a little sour, bilious man who believed in
nothing, a character like Pigasov, but far more able than he was.... By
the way, how is Pigasov, is he living?'

'Oh, yes; and only fancy, he is married to a peasant woman, who, they
say, beats him.'

'Serve him right! And Natalya Alexyevna--is she well?'

'Yes.'

'Is she happy?'

'Yes.'

Rudin was silent for a little.

'What was I talking about?... Oh yes! about the professor of
mathematics. He perfectly hated me; he compared my lectures to
fireworks, pounced upon every expression of mine that was not altogether
clear, once even put me to confusion over some monument of the
sixteenth century.... But the most important thing was, he suspected my
intentions; my last soap-bubble struck on him as on a spike, and burst.
The inspector, whom I had not got on with from the first, set the
director against me. A scene followed. I was not ready to give in; I got
hot; the matter came to the knowledge of the authorities; I was forced
to resign. I did not stop there; I wanted to prove that they could not
treat me like that.... But they could treat me as they liked.... Now I
am forced to leave the town.'

A silence followed. Both the friends sat with bowed heads.

Rudin was the first to speak.

'Yes, brother,' he began, 'I can say now, in the words of Koltsov,
"Thou hast led me astray, my youth, till there is nowhere I can turn
my steps."... And yet can it be that I was fit for nothing, that for me
there was, as it were, no work on earth to do? I have often put myself
this question, and, however much I tried to humble myself in my own
eyes, I could not but feel the existence of faculties within me which
are not given to every one! Why have these faculties remained fruitless?
And let me say more; you know, when I was with you abroad, Mihail, I
was conceited and full of erroneous ideas.... Certainly I did not then
realise clearly what I wanted; I lived upon words, and believed in
phantoms. But now, I swear to you, I could speak out before all m