zle. Add a pinch
of potato salad and stir gently. Serve hot and talk fast while eating.

IMITATION SAUSAGES.

(From a Recipe furnished by Frank Doane.)

Coax a few feet of garden hose into the kitchen and then kidnap it.
When it is finally subdued, chop it into sections and stuff it with
odds and ends. Nice, fresh odds and ends may be bought by the
wholesale at any first-class junk shop. Place the result in a saucepan
without adding any water, because if you put water in with the garden
hose it will get up and go out on the lawn. Now let it sizzle. When
the imitation clock points to an hour and a half the sausage is done.
Serve hot with a Yarmouth bloater and some crumpets on the side. Be
sure to have a gold safety pin in your flannel collar before eating.

IMITATION CELERY.

(From a Recipe furnished by John Park.)

Take an old whisk broom and remove the handle. If the handle is made
of wood keep it, because it can be turned into a breakfast food the
first time you see a sawmill. Now remove the wire from the broom and
sprinkle with baking soda. Serve cold with a pinch of salt on the
northwestern end.

IMITATION BEEF TEA.

(From a Recipe furnished by Rupert Hughes.)

Take the white of an egg and beat it without mercy. When it is
insensible put it in the teapot and add enough hot water to drown it.
Let it drown about twenty minutes, then lead the yolk of an egg over to
the teapot and push it in. Season with a small pinch of paprika and
let it simper. Serve hot, and always be sure to put a piece of lemon
in the finger-bowl.

IMITATION MOCK TURTLE SOUP.

(From a Recipe furnished by John L. Golden.)

Go out in the garden and catch a young mock. Remove the pin feathers
and place the mock in a skillet. Catch an onion when it isn't looking
and push it in the skillet. Add water and let it sizzle. Add more
water. Be sure there are no chemicals in the water. Add more water.
Always wash the water before adding. Now upset the skillet into the
soup tureen and add imitation Tabasco sauce. Imitation Tabasco sauce
can be made from pickled firecrackers. Serve hot and keep the lips
closed firmly while eating it from the left-hand side of the spoon.

IMITATION ROAST BEEF.

(From a Recipe furnished by E. W. Kemble.)

Draw from memory the outlines of a cow and remove the forequarter.
Place the forequarter on the gridiron and let it sizzle. Now brown the
wheats and draw one. Add boiling wa