e Cuckoo Recipes for the Chafing Dish to his friends
Mr. Jefferson wishes it distinctly understood that all doctors' bills
arising from a free indulgence in any of the dishes suggested herein
must be paid by the indulgee, and he wishes to state, further, that
while this book may contain many aches and pains no ptomaine is
intended.

MOCK BAKED BEANS.

(From a Recipe furnished by Morton Smith.)

Take as many buttons as the family can afford and remove the thread.
Add pure spring water and stew gently till you burst your buttons. Add
a little flour to calm them and let them sizzle. Serve with tomato
ketchup or molasses, according to the location you find yourself living
on the map. A quart bottle of Pommery on the side will help some.

MOCK HAM AND EGGS.

(From a Recipe furnished by De Wolf Hopper.)

Place the white of a newspaper in the frying pan, and then cover the
centre with an Italian sunset picked fresh from a magazine picture.
This forms the basis of the egg and it tastes very realistic. Be sure
to get a fresh newspaper and a fresh magazine, edited by a fresh
editor, otherwise the imitation egg will be dull and insipid. Now add
a few slices of pickled linoleum and fry carelessly for twenty minutes.
Serve hot with imitation salt and pepper on the side. This is a
daylight dish, because the sunset effect is lost if cooked after dark.

MOCK LAMB CHOPS.

(From a Recipe furnished by William T. Hodge.)

Saw away three chops from the face of the kitchen table and put them in
the broiler. Be economical with the sawdust, which can be forced into
a cottage pudding. When the chops begin to sizzle, add a red necktie
and a small bunch of imitation butter and stir gently. Now let them
sizzle. If the chops crack across the surface while cooking, it is a
sign you were cheated when you bought the kitchen table. Let them
sizzle. Serve hot with imitation water cresses on the side. Nice
water cresses can be made from green window blinds cut on the bias.

HAMBURGER STEAK.

(From a Recipe furnished by Silvio Hein.)

Always be sure to get a fresh Hamburger. There is nothing that will
reconcile a man to a vegetarian diet so quick as an over-ripe
Hamburger. They should always be picked at the full of the moon. To
tell the age of a Hamburger look at its teeth. One row of teeth for
every year, and the limit is seven rows. Now remove the wishbone and
slice carefully. Add Worcester sauce and let it siz