INSURANCE ACT

Of course, I had always known that a medical examination was a necessary
preliminary to insurance, but in my own case I had expected the thing to
be the merest formality. The doctor, having seen at a glance what a
fine, strong, healthy fellow I was, would look casually at my tongue,
apologise for having doubted it, enquire genially what my grandfather
had died of, and show me to the door. This idea of mine was fostered by
the excellent testimonial which I had written myself at the Company's
bidding. "Are you suffering from any constitutional disease?--_No_. Have
you ever had gout?--_No_. Are you deformed?--_No_. Are you of strictly
sober and temperate habits?--_No_," I mean _Yes_. My replies had been a
model of what an Assurance Company expects. Then why the need of a
doctor?

However, they insisted.

The doctor began quietly enough. He asked, as I had anticipated, after
the health of my relations. I said that they were very fit; and, not to
be outdone in politeness, expressed the hope that _his_ people, too,
were keeping well in this trying weather. He wondered if I drank much. I
said, "Oh, well, perhaps I _will_," with an apologetic smile, and looked
round for the sideboard. Unfortunately he did not pursue the matter....

"And now," he said, after the hundredth question, "I should like to look
at your chest."

I had seen it coming for some time. In vain I had tried to turn the
conversation--to lead him back to the subject of drinks or my
relations. It was no good. He was evidently determined to see my chest.
Nothing could move him from his resolve.

Trembling, I prepared for the encounter. What terrible disease was he
going to discover?

He began by tapping me briskly all over in a series of double knocks.
For the most part one double-knock at any point appeared to satisfy him,
but occasionally there would be no answer and he would knock again. At
one spot he knocked four times before he could make himself heard.

"This," I said to myself at the third knock, "has torn it. I shall be
ploughed," and I sent an urgent message to my chest, "For 'eving's sake
_do_ something, you fool! Can't you hear the gentleman?" I suppose that
roused it, for at the next knock he passed on to an adjacent spot....

"Um," he said, when he had called everywhere, "um."

"I wonder what I've done," I thought to myself. "I don't believe he
likes my chest."

Without a word he got out his stethoscope and began to lis