When you catch your caller kissing the maid, remind her that the
kitchen is the proper place to entertain her friends.

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Don't forget to tell her that she's "not like other girls." It always
works, whether you spring it on the belle of the village, the girl
with a hare lip or the bearded lady at the circus.

Spaghetti should be eaten only in the bath-tub.

If you _must_ have your hand held, go to a manicure.

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The difference between bigamy and divorce is the difference between
driving a double hitch and driving tandem.

Never tell secrets to women. If you must talk about them, buy a
megaphone.

Don't tell a girl that she looks best when wearing a veil. She may not
understand what you mean.

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Take your servants into your confidence. You'll always get a lot of
interesting information about your neighbors.

It is a mistake to regard your linen as the leopard does his spots.

Some girls want a home wedding; most girls want a church wedding; all
girls want a wedding.

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If you use the same solitaire for the second engagement, don't refer
to it as killing two birds with one stone.

Cultivate cheerfulness in your household; money makes the _mere_ go.

At Sunday night bridge parties no really nice girl will cheat.

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The way to save doctor's bills is not to pay them. Only a specialist
would think of suing you.

When you see a girl drowning, look before you leap.

On your way to the altar, do not wear the expression of a man
Mendelssohning into the jaws of death. Try to look as if your salary
had just been raised.

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Debutantes should never attend prize fights unchaperoned.

In paying your fare always take your time. It annoys the conductor.

Oysters are served after cocktails, soup after oysters, game after
decomposition sets in.

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When choosing a wife shut your eyes; it's a sporting chance, because
after all your wife is choosing you.

The man who buys a gold brick hates to feel lonesome.

The race is not always to the swift, though the smart set thinks it
is.

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When attending an afternoon t