That whenever news reached him of another Federal disaster Abraham
Lincoln would laugh it off with a very funny and often somewhat smutty
story, made up on the spot.

Sec.398

That George Washington died of a heavy cold brought on by swimming the
Potomac in the heart of winter to visit a yellow girl on the Maryland
shore.

Sec.399

That all negroes who show any intelligence whatever are actually
two-thirds white, and the sons of United States Senators.

Sec.400

That the late King Leopold of Belgium left 350 illegitimate children.

Sec.401

That Senator Henry Cabot Lodge is a very brainy man, though somewhat
stuck up.

Sec.402

That if one eats ice-cream after lobster one will be doubled up by
belly-ache.

Sec.403

That Quakers, for all their religion, are always very sharp traders and
have a great deal of money hidden away in banks.

Sec.404

That old baseball players always take to booze, and so end their days
either as panhandlers, as night watchmen or as janitors of Odd Fellows'
halls.

Sec.405

That the object of the players, in college football, is to gouge out one
another's eyes and pull off one another's ears.

Sec.406

That the sort of woman who carries around a Pomeranian dog, if she
should ever have a child inadvertently, would give the midwife $500 to
make away with it.

Sec.407

That a woman likes to go to a bargain sale, fight her way to the
counter, and have pins stuck into her and her feet mashed by other
women.

Sec.408

That, if one swallows an ounce of olive oil before going to a banquet,
one will not get drunk.

Sec.409

That a mud-turtle is so tenacious of life that if one cuts off his head
a new one will grow in its place.

Sec.410

That the only things farmers read are government documents and
patent-medicine almanacs.

Sec.411

That if one's ear itches it is a sign that some one is talking of one.

Sec.412

That Italian children, immediately they leave the cradle, are sewed into
their underclothes, and that they never get a bath thereafter until they
are confirmed.

Sec.413

That all Catholic priests are very hearty eaters, and have good wine
cellars.

Sec.414

That politics in America would be improved by turning all the public
offices over to business men.

Sec.415

That department store sales are always fakes, and that they mark down a
few things to attract the women and then swindle them by liftin