accompanied by his Family
Doctor, who administers alternately nitrous oxide gas and ginger beer
to him every ten minutes till the passage is over, though no doubt
an efficacious preventive, strikes me as less simple than the means
I invariably employ to secure a comfortable crossing. They are easily
available, and are as follows. Before I start I provide myself with a
six-foot mattrass, several yards of rope, and four screw-hooks, which,
the moment I enter the cabin, I proceed with a large gimlet to fasten
to the ceiling, and, before the Steward or passengers have had time
to protest, I have rigged myself up a capital swinging bed in the very
centre of the vessel. To jump in, occupy it, and keep officials at
bay with an umbrella, only needs a little nerve and practice, and when
once fairly out of port, specially if it be rough, one is not very
easily dislodged. In the course of thirteen passages, I have only been
overturned eleven times, in nine of which I was cut down by order of
the Captain; and though on several occasions, through clinging to the
swinging-lamp, I brought it down in the struggle, and had to pay for
the damage, I can confidently recommend any one who has a horror of
the Channel crossing, and does not mind a brisk physical encounter
with three Stewards, the First Mate, and half the crew of one of the
Folkestone and Boulogne boats, to follow my example.

I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
ABAFT THE FUNNEL.

SIR,--"ONE WHO HASN'T YET DONE IT," wants to know how, travelling with
only one ticket, he can secure an entire third-class compartment for
the whole journey to himself. I will tell him. Let him install himself
in his quarters taking with him five full life-sized lay-figures
dressed in old great-coats with hats pulled down over their ears and
eyes, and let him arrange these picturesquely about the carriage in
attitudes indicative of the suffering of much internal torture. Then
let him stand at the window with a genial and good-humoured expression
on his face, and pointing over his shoulder to the scene behind him,
explain briefly to any passengers who are thinking of entering, that
he is travelling with "five aged uncles in the last stage of delirium
from a contagious and infectious fever," and he will find they will
instantly desist from their efforts and hurry to another portion of
the train. To carry out this little _ruse_ successfully it may be
sometimes necessary to wink at the ticket-colle