has followed, without letting
escape on this page the emotions which are in my heart. This new thing
awakened me with a start from my slumber of indifference and my
philosophy of defeat.

With a sudden return of my old self I began to have my first doubts
about the powers of heredity. I began to wonder if fear of myself,
inspired by knowledge of whence I came, rather than any true inherited
traits, had not been my undoing. I found that I had not changed so much,
after all. The goodness in me had not gone. I saw in my mirror the
Julianna you had known and loved. I felt new faith.

I felt new faith in the goodness of the plan under which men and women
live and strive. I had always believed in a Divine Spirit if for no
other reason than that I and all living things through all time had
sensed somewhere beyond their full understanding the existence of a
dynamic of creation and order. I believed, if you wish me to phrase it
so, in God. It seemed to me in my new awakening that no human creature
could be made by such a Spirit the plaything of so cruel a thing as
all-powerful heredity.

"He must give us all a chance," I cried with tears on my cheeks. "It
must be true that I can save myself by fight. It cannot be that I will
be deprived of the opportunity of putting an end to this evil descent.
My father sought to strangle me because he believed he would appear in
my blood. Now it is I, who, finding him there, must strangle him!" And
I, in my agony, fell upon my knees and prayed.

You were asleep when, in my bare feet, forgetful of the cold, I stood
hour after hour at the window of my room, listening to your breathing.
In those hours, little by little I realized that it was not escape from
a single weakness or indulgence which I must seek, but that I must
reestablish mastery over myself. I knew that no help from without would
accomplish this mastery. I made up my mind to fight single-handed, and
to stake myself and if necessary, my life, in a battle to place again my
will upon its throne.

Accordingly I took, as I supposed, my last dose of opiate and under its
influence, which gave me strength, I pleaded with you to leave me alone
in this house for three weeks. You yielded. I then ordered all
furnishings out of my chamber, and all the servants except Margaret out
of the house, to the end that no sight or sound should draw my attention
or my thoughts from my purpose.

I had a plentiful supply of my drug. You will doubtless