e perfectly satisfied till all the
world was acquainted with my fortune: but when my coronation was over,
and I was raised to the height of my ambition, instead of finding myself
happy, I was in reality more miserable than ever; for, besides that
the aversion I had naturally to the king was much more difficult
to dissemble after marriage than before, and grew into a perfect
detestation, my imagination, which had thus warmly pursued a crown, grew
cool when I was in the possession of it, and gave me time to reflect
what mighty matter I had gained by all this bustle; and I often used to
think myself in the case of the fox-hunter, who, when he has toiled and
sweated all day in the chase as if some unheard-of blessing was to crown
his success, finds at last all he has got by his labor is a stinking
nauseous animal. But my condition was yet worse than his; for he leaves
the loathsome wretch to be torn by his hounds, whilst I was obliged to
fondle mine, and meanly pretend him to be the object of my love. For the
whole time I was in this envied, this exalted state, I led a continual
life of hypocrisy, which I now know nothing on earth can compensate. I
had no companion but the man I hated. I dared not disclose my sentiments
to any person about me, nor did any one presume to enter into any
freedom of conversation with me; but all who spoke to me talked to the
queen, and not to me; for they would have said just the same things to
a dressed-up puppet, if the king had taken a fancy to call it his wife.
And as I knew every woman in the court was my enemy, from thinking she
had much more right than I had to the place I filled, I thought myself
as unhappy as if I had been placed in a wild wood, where there was no
human creature for me to speak to, in a continual fear of leaving any
traces of my footsteps, lest I should be found by some dreadful monster,
or stung by snakes and adders; for such are spiteful women to the
objects of their envy. In this worst of all situations I was obliged to
hide my melancholy and appear cheerful. This threw me into an error the
other way, and I sometimes fell into a levity in my behavior that was
afterwards made use of to my disadvantage. I had a son deadborn, which I
perceived abated something of the king's ardor; for his temper could
not brook the least disappointment. This gave me no uneasiness; for, not
considering the consequences, I could not help being best pleased when I
had least of his company.