t you were about when you sent me
here. I know now what Jerrold meant when he wanted to get away by
himself after Father died. He said he wanted to grow a new memory. Well,
that's what I've done here.

"It seemed to happen all at once. One day I'd left them all and gone out
for a walk by myself. It came over me that between me and being well,
perfectly well, there was nothing but myself, that I was really hanging
on to my illness for some sort of protection that it gave me, just as
I'd hung on to you. I'd been thinking about it all the time, filling my
mind with my illness, hanging on to the very fear of it; to save myself,
I suppose, from a worse fear, the fear of life itself. And suddenly, out
there, I let go. And the beauty of the place got me. I can't describe
the beauty, except that there was a lot of strong blue and yellow in it,
a clear gold atmosphere, positively quivering, and streaming over
everything like gold water. I seemed to remember it as if I'd been here
before, a long, steady memory, not just a flash. It was like finding
something you'd lost, or when a musical phrase you've been looking for
suddenly comes back to you. It was the most utter, indescribable peace
and satisfaction. And somehow this time joined on to the times at Wyck
when we were all there and happy together; and the beastly time in
between slipped through. It just dropped out, as if it had never
happened, and I got a sense of having done with it forever. I can't tell
you what it was like. But I think it means I'm well.

"And then, on the top of it all, I remembered you, Anne, and all your
goodness and sweetness. I got right away from my beastly self and saw
you as you are. And I knew what you'd done for me. I don't believe I
ever knew, really _knew_, before. I had to be alone with myself before I
could see it, just as I always had to be alone with my music before I
could get it right. I've never thanked you properly. I can't thank you.
There aren't any words to do it in. And I only know now what it's cost
you...."

Did he know? Did he know that it had once cost her Jerrold?

"... For instance, I know you gave up coming here with us because you
thought it would be better for me without you."

Colin, too, turning it in her heart, the sharp blade of remorse. Would
they never have done punishing her?

And then: "Maisie knows what you are. She told Eliot you were the most
beautiful thing, morally, she had ever known. The one person, she