***

In view of the attitude taken up by _The Daily Express_ against Sir
ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the question of "spooks," we understand that
the celebrated author, who has long contemplated the final death of
_Sherlock Holmes_, has arranged that the famous detective shall one
day be found dead with a copy of _The Daily Express_ in his hand.

***

A customer, we are told, may take his own buns into a public
eating-house, but the proprietor must register them. In view of the
growing habit of pinching food, the pre-war custom of chaining them
to the umbrella-stand is no longer regarded as safe.

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR. [Sign before church with
bomb-damaged steeple:] THE REV SULVANUS JONES WILL PREACH NEXT SUNDAY
MORNING ON WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CHURCH?]

* * * * *

INDIA MOVES.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The following is taken from a letter from the
Quartermaster-General in India to the General Officers Commanding
Divisions and Independent Brigades:--

"I am directed to point out that at present there appears to
be considerable diversity of opinion regarding the number of
buttons, and the method of placing the same on mattresses in
use in hospitals.

"I am therefore to request that in future all hospital mattresses
should be made up with fifty-three buttons placed in fifteen rows
of four and three alternately."

This should convince your readers that even India has at last grasped
the idea of the War and is getting a move on.

* * * * *

"Mr. H. A. Barker, the bonesetter, performed a bloodless and
successful operation yesterday upon Mr. Will Thorne's knee,
which he fractured six years ago."--_Sunday Paper_.

If the case is correctly reported--which we doubt--it was very
confiding of Mr. THORNE to go to him again.

* * * * *

MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN.

Beersheba gone, and Gaza too!
And lo! the British lion,
After a pause to comb his mane,
Is grimly padding off again,
Tail up, _en route_ for Zion.

Yes, things are looking rather blue,
Just as in Mesopotamy;
My life-blood trickles in the sand;
My veins run dry; I cannot stand
Much more of this phlebotomy.

In vain for WILLIAM'S help I cry,
Sick as a mule with glanders;
Too busy--selfish swine--is he
With winning gro