for the first time, in view
of the abolition of brass buttons, for the purpose of brushing the
teeth.]

One front hair glass.

One back ditto.

Six safety-pins.

One tin shoe-cream.

One tin face-cream.

It will be compulsory to shave the upper lip, but, in order to
minimise expense at the barber's shop, the hair will be worn not less
than ten inches in length and brushed with a downward and backward
movement of the right hand away from the crown, so as to leave the
forehead clear and conceal the ears.

White cotton gloves will be worn, one on each hand.

V.

* * * * *

Our Erudite Contemporaries.

"Slightly to vary the old Greek proverb, we must beware of the
Bishops when they pay us compliments!"--_John Bull._

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Policeman._ "YOU SAY YOU SAW THE MAN. WHAT SORT OF A
MAN WAS 'E?"

_Lady_ (_giving the information_). "OH, A CLEAN-SHAVED BLOKE--SAME AS
MY 'USBAND 'ERE."]

* * * * *

THE ELFIN TUBE.

I know a solemn secret to keep between ourselves--
I heard it from a sparrow who heard it from the elves--
That always after 2 A.M., before the first cock-crow,
The elfin people fill the Tubes just full to overflow.

The grown-ups do not know it; they put the trains to bed
And never guess that magic will drive them in their stead;
All day the goblin drivers were hiding in the dark
(If mortals catch a fairy's eye they take it for a spark).

Elves patter down the subways; they crowd the moving stairs;
From purses full of tiddly-winks they pay the clerk their fares;
A Brownie checks the tickets and says the proper things:
"Come pass along the car there!" "Now, ladies, mind your wings!"

They're never dull like mortals who read and dream and doze;
The fairies swing head downwards, strap-hanging by their toes;
When _Puck_ is the conductor he also acts as host
And sets them playing Leapfrog or Coach or General Post.

I'd love to travel with them! The sparrow says he thinks
I'd get from here to Golder's Green for three red tiddly-winks;
Two yellows pay to Euston, four whites to Waterloo;
Perhaps I'll go some moonlight night; the question is--will YOU?

* * * * *

AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL.

[Being specimens of the work of Mr. Punch's newly-established
Literary Ghost Bureau, which supplies appropriate Pr