en which; but try it often enough, and you will
learn."

_Recipe._

"Fail to be ready at the appointed time, and keep him waiting until he
is either raging or sullen; cudgel or dragoon the children until their
tempers are well on edge. Then complain of the gait taken by Mr. Simpson
in order to catch the train; declare frequently when aboard that you are
tired out, and are sorry you came. After you reach the place, remark
every now and then that you don't think the entertainment amounts to
much, and that you do think it was a piece of extravagance to have
given such a price for tickets to so-inferior an exhibition. Next,
declare that you feel a draft, and are catching your 'death of cold;'
interlard all this with frequent directions to the children--admonitions
and complaints, and derogatory remarks about Mr. Simpson's appearance,
and wonder--oft-expressed and reiterated, and put in the form of
questions which you insist upon his answering, as to why he didn't wear
his other suit of clothes. Finally, wind up the whole affair, by wishing
you were in bed, and announcing your opinion that the trip didn't pay,
and you are sure it will make you and the children ill.

"Try this faithfully, and it won't fail to accomplish something
decided."

One more recipe.

I was talking to Mrs. Purblind now; Mrs. Simpson had had her fill, and
gone home; and Mrs. Purblind had taken her place.

You couldn't have seen her--but that doesn't matter.

_Recipe._

"This is for making a man love to stay at home with you, and inducing
him to be cheerful and companionable, or for making him flee your
presence as one would flee a plague-stricken city: I've forgotten which,
but you will soon discover, if you try it persistently.

"Talk on disagreeable themes, talk persistently and ceaselessly; never
let up; the more tired he may be the more steadily you must talk, and
the more irritating your theme must be. Go to the gadfly; consider her
ways and be wise. Buzz, buzz, buzz; sting, sting, sting.

"On his worst nights, always select his relatives for your theme; harp
upon their faults; their failures in life; their humiliations; the
unpleasant things people say of them. Then if he waxes irritable,
express surprise; remind him how he used to talk against these same
relatives, and how much trouble he gave them when he lived at home; add
that it's plain now that he has combined with