fire on one of the French
line-of-battle ships, unluckily situated in a right line between us, so
that the shot which missed the enemy sometimes came, on board of us. I
was looking out of the bow port at the moment that a shot struck our
ship on the stern between wind and water. It was the first time I had
ever seen the effect of a heavy shot; it made a great splash, and, to
me, as I then thought, a very unusual noise, throwing a great deal of
water in my face. I very naturally started back, as I believe many a
brave fellow has done. Two of the seamen quartered at my guns laughed
at me. I felt ashamed, and resolved to show no more such weakness.

This shot was very soon succeeded by some others not quite so harmless:
one came into the bow port, and killed the two men who had witnessed my
trepidation. My pride having been hurt that these men should have seen
me flinch, I will own that I was secretly pleased when I saw them
removed beyond the reach of human interrogation. It would be difficult
to describe my feelings on this occasion. Not six weeks before, I was
the robber of hen-roosts and gardens--the hero of a horse-pond, ducking
an usher--now suddenly, and almost without any previous warning or
reflection, placed in the midst of carnage, and an actor of one of those
grand events by which the fate of the civilised world was to be decided.

A quicker circulation of blood, a fear of immediate death, and a still
greater fear of shame, forced me to an involuntary and frequent change
of position; and it required some time, and the best powers of
intellect, to reason myself into that frame of mind in which I could
feel as safe and as much unconcerned as if we had been in harbour. To
this state I at last did attain, and soon felt ashamed of the
perturbation under which I had laboured before the firing began. I
prayed, it is true: but my prayer was not that of faith, of trust, or of
hope--I prayed only for safety from imminent personal danger; and my
orisons consisted of one or two short, pious ejaculations, without a
thought of repentance for the past or amendment for the future.

But when we had once got fairly into action, I felt no more of this, and
beheld a poor creature cut in two by a shot with the same indifference
that at any other time I should have seen a butcher kill an ox. Whether
my heart was bad or not, I cannot say; but I certainly felt my curiosity
was gratified more than my feelings were shocked,