There was a time indeed, when life acquired for me a charm. There
was a smile which filled me with blessedness, and made the sunshine more
sweet. But when she died my earthly joys died with her. Since then I
have thought of little but the depths profound, into which she has
disappeared like the rest.

I was in the garden of my house on that night when all the others left
Semur. I was restless, my mind was disturbed. It seemed to me that I
approached the crisis of my life. Since the time when I led M. le Maire
beyond the walls, and we felt both of us the rush and pressure of that
crowd, a feeling of expectation had been in my mind. I knew not what I
looked for--but something I looked for that should change the world.
The 'Sommation' on the Cathedral doors did not surprise me. Why should
it be a matter of wonder that the dead should come back? the wonder is
that they do not. Ah! that is the wonder. How one can go away who loves
you, and never return, nor speak, nor send any message--that is the
miracle: not that the heavens should bend down and the gates of Paradise
roll back, and those who have left us return. All my life it has been a
marvel to me how they could be kept away. I could not stay in-doors on
this strange night. My mind was full of agitation. I came out into the
garden though it was dark. I sat down upon the bench under the
trellis--she loved it. Often had I spent half the night there thinking
of her.

It was very dark that night: the sky all veiled, no light anywhere a
night like November. One would have said there was snow in the air. I
think I must have slept toward morning (I have observed throughout that
the preliminaries of these occurrences have always been veiled in
sleep), and when I woke suddenly it was to find myself, if I may so
speak, the subject of a struggle. The struggle was within me, yet it was
not I. In my mind there was a desire to rise from where I sat and go
away, I could not tell where or why; but something in me said stay, and
my limbs were as heavy as lead. I could not move; I sat still against my
will; against one part of my will--but the other was obstinate and would
not let me go. Thus a combat took place within me of which I knew not
the meaning. While it went on I began to hear the sound of many feet,
the opening of doors, the people pouring out into the streets. This gave
me no surprise; it seemed to me that I understood why it was; only in my
own case, I knew nothing. I list