provided with a bucket of POCOCK'S antiseptic,
anti-crib-biting condition balls for internal application over the
Newmarket T. Y. C.

Next week, I may have something to say about Derby prospects. For the
present, I can only advise would-be investors to steer clear of Mr.
JEREMY and his quacking, goose-headed parasites.

* * * * *

CHANGE OF NAME.--M. SUCCI, having succeeded in existing for forty days
on water alone, will henceforth be known as Water-SUCCI.

* * * * *

[Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.

"IS THIS A DAGGER THAT I SEE BEFORE ME?"]

* * * * *

HOW I WELCOMED STANLEY.

(_Notes of a Very Important Journey._)

Left Victoria by special train. On my road met my dear old friend BROWN.
We were boys together. Nothing I would not do for him. BROWN says the
dearest object of his life is to welcome STANLEY. Can't I take him with
me? (This on learning the nature of _my_ expedition.) He is off to
Canada to-morrow--early. More sorry than I can say--impossible. Only
invitation for "one." One, myself. He sighs and we part--it may be for
years, it may be for ever. Sorrowful, but cheered up by party in special
train. Everybody in great spirits going to welcome STANLEY. Dearest
object of everybody's life. To pass the time tell one another stories of
adventure. Man who was in the Franco-German War explains how he would
have defended Metz if he had been BAZAINE. Man who went through the
Soudan (perhaps a trifle jealous), says if he _had_ been BAZAINE he
wouldn't have defended Metz at all, because BAZAINE was a traitor. Row
imminent, so cut in with my adventure in a life-boat. Graphic account.
Ship springing a-leak; men at the pumps; boats given up to the women and
children. The good ship--well, never mind the name of ship; have
forgotten it--lurches, gives one long roll, and sinks! Remaining
passengers, headed by myself, swarm up the rigging to the mizzen-top.
High sea, thunder and lightning. Great privations. Sun sinks in red,
moon rises in green. All hope gone, when--hurrah, a sail! It is the
life-boat! Slung on board by ropes. Rockets and coloured lights let off.
The coxswain calls upon the crew to "pull blue," or "pull white."
Startling adventures. On the rocks! Off them! Saved! Everybody pleased
with my story. Keep to myself the fact that I have only once in my life
been on board a life-boat--when it was practising