ugh. The thought of mushrooms missed must add pathos to
many a death-bed.

It is a terrible moment when the dish comes in and one rapidly notes the
disparity between the paucity of its contents and the vast and eager
anticipation of the company. For it is useless to attempt to conceal
greed when mushrooms arrive. A certain amount of dissimulation has
mercifully been given by a wise Providence to all of us for the
lubrication of the cogs of daily life; but it does not extend so far as
this. And particularly so if the mushrooms have been fried in butter.
Stewed they are not of course to be undervalued, especially if one dares
to soak one's bread in the juice; nor even reposing in tragic isolation
on Juan Fernandezes of toast; but the real way is to fry them in butter.
As I say, it is a terrible moment when the dish arrives and the faces of
the guests are studied; but should there be one present, or--more
ecstatic moment still--two, who confess to a dislike of this perilous
fungus, then what an access of rapture by way of compensation! Truly
wise hostesses have been known to murmur something about toadstools and
risk, as an encouragement to the doubters; or if they don't their
husbands do. It is however no real good! Even with two defaulters the
dish does no more than stimulate desire; whilst such is its power of
fascination that consummate _gourmets_ have been known to express no
dismay at the possibility of poison being there, a death so won being
worth dying.

Mushrooms, to win such homage as this, must be picked in the fields and
cooked at home. The forced mushrooms which grow under the shelf in the
greenhouse or in a corner of the cellar lack something of divinity;
while there is not a restaurant _chef_ in the world who has not a long
record of ruined mushrooms to his name. No sooner does a public cook get
at a mushroom than it begins to deteriorate. When the _chef_ comes in at
the door the savour flies out of the window. It is a point of honour
with him. When therefore I said that one can never have enough mushrooms
I meant at home.

It is an injustice to the mushroom to eat it as an adjunct to other
food; while there is one meat which in alliance it renders unwholesome.
The odd thing is that every one differs as to what this meat is; but my
own hazy recollection says mutton. Still that prohibition is not for us,
who know the only way in which mushrooms should be eaten: fried, with
bread and butter, and the butter