l battleships of the American Navy,
a contemporary says, "The distinguished guests took water with what
grace they could." Evidently they thought it scarcely worth saying
grace for.

***

The statement made last week in the course of a certain trial that "as
a man grows older he becomes riper" has had a curious sequel.
Orders are pouring in from the Cannibal Isles for consignments of
centenarians.

* * * * *

THE PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE.

(_The modern girl, according to a daily paper, is not to be won by
love-making. She prefers a cheerful and amusing companion._)

Dear, of old I swore devotion
In the manner knights employed,
Wrote epistles with emotion
(Which I trust have been destroyed);
Now at last, a practised lover,
Boasting conquests not a few,
I am told to put a cover
On my sentiments for you.

Cupid's chat is out of fashion;
Sloppy words are never said;
Voices once a-throb with passion
Shake with merriment instead;
Poets qualified to tackle
Lyric metres when inspired
Stoop to make the ladies cackle--
Nothing further is required.

Doubtless one whose occupation
Has a dull and solemn trend
Might enjoy, as relaxation,
Jesting with a female friend;
But, corrupted by the money
That my written humours bring,
How on earth can I be funny
For the pleasure of the thing?

* * * * *

_The Daily Chronicle_ on the latest submarine:--

"It will also be equipped with a quick-firing gun, which
disappears when the vessel is submerged."

This is far the best arrangement; it would never do for it to be left
floating where any passer-by could pick it up.

* * * * *

A WARM HALF-HOUR.

Whatever the papers say, it was the hottest afternoon of the year. At
six-thirty I had just finished dressing after my third cold bath since
lunch, when Celia tapped on the door.

"I want you to do something for me," she said. "It's a shame to ask
you on a day like this."

"It _is_ rather a shame," I agreed, "but I can always refuse."

"Oh, but you mustn't. We haven't got any ice, and the Thompsons are
coming to dinner. Do you think you could go and buy three pennyworth?
Jane's busy, and I'm busy, and----"

"And I'm busy," I said, opening and shutting a drawer with great
rapidity.

"Just three pennyworth," she pleaded. "Nice cool ice. Thin