its beauties to the utmost depth I again turned round
to see if there was a vacant seat among the smokers. To my joy I saw
one. Quickly I rose and hastened to secure it, but at the same moment
the bus turned a sharp corner and I sustained a violent blow on the back
of my head which left me half-stunned.

The conductor, who had just appeared on deck to collect fares, helped me
to my feet. Then he rounded on me.

"Why don't you read the notices?" he said by way of peroration. "Then it
wouldn't've 'appened."

"The notices?" I repeated, handing him my fare. "I've done nothing else
but read notices ever since I got on this wretched reading-room. I know
where I may smoke and where I may not. I know that I must beware of
pickpockets, and I know that I mustn't waggle my arms over the
side-rails. Further, I have read Mr. Pinkerton's personal assurance that
his Pills are the Best. If I'd had more time I daresay I should have
worked my passage to the notice you refer to. I haven't reached it yet."

"Look 'ere," said the conductor, thrusting me into the vacant smoker's
seat and pointing with what I at first took to be a saveloy, but which
upon closer inspection proved to be his fore-finger, "what does that
say?--

TO AVOID ACCIDENTS PASSENGERS
SHOULD REMAIN SEATED WHILE
THE BUS IS PASSING UNDER RAILWAY
BRIDGES.

There nar. Some of you blokes never look any farther than the end of
your noses."

"Then if I had your nose," I retorted, "I should need a telescope to see
even as far as that."

I was much disappointed that, just as I got to the caustic part, the
exigencies of his profession demanded that he should punch six tickets
in rapid succession. My repartee was consequently drowned amid a perfect
_carillon_ of bells. But meanwhile I had found another notice--

TO STOP THE BUS
STRIKE THE BELL
ONCE.

It was a friendly and sensible notice, for, to tell the truth, I was
beginning to feel afraid of a bus that carried so much free literature.
It could not hope to be a thoroughly reliable bus and a library at the
same time. I therefore determined to forfeit several divisions of my
ticket, and give my "season" one more chance. I got up and struck the
bell once. As the driver didn't know it was just an ordinary passenger
that struck it he pulled up immediately. I had got halfway down the
staircase when somebody--it must have been that offensive
conductor--gave the game away, for the bus jerked ba