s on half-salary and promised to renew
business relations with the company as soon as the War was over or Uncle
Peter died--whichever event happened first--they simply would not listen
to me, and hence my decision to adopt some other means of transport. I
signalled to a bus to stop, and, as the driver, seeing my signal, at
once put on his top speed, I just managed to fling myself on to the
spring-board as the vehicle tore past.

I ran up to the first storey, and sat down in the front seat. Then I
took out my cigarette-case and was about to light a cigarette when a
printed notice caught my eye--

PASSENGERS WISHING
TO SMOKE
ARE KINDLY
REQUESTED
TO OCCUPY THE
REAR SEATS.

If the notice had been put a little less politely I should have ignored
it; but I can refuse nothing to those who are kind to me, so I refrained
from lighting up, and contented myself with looking round to see if
there was a rear seat vacant. There wasn't. A cluster of happy, smoking
faces confronted me. I turned round again, and wished I had learnt to
take snuff.

"Cheer-o, Bert!" said a refined voice just behind my ear, and at the
same moment a walking-stick playfully tapped the head of the young
fellow sitting next to me. My neighbour faced about, kicked me on the
shin, dug the point of his umbrella into my calf, knocked off my
_pince-nez_ with his newspaper, and spread himself over the back of the
seat.

"'Allo, Alf!" he said. "Thought it must 've been you. Look 'ere, I want
to see you----"

"Perhaps," I interrupted, "your friend would like to change places with
me. Then you can scrutinise him at your ease--and mine."

"You're a sport," remarked Bert.

He spoke truly. Little did he guess he was addressing a
Double-Blue--bowls and quoits. Alf and I changed places, and my
attention at once became absorbed by a notice headed

BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS.

I had just reached the exciting part when two girls arrived on the
landing.

"There aren't two together; we shall have to divide," I heard one say.

"Excuse me," I said, rising. "Don't divide. I'll get into a single seat
if you care to take this double one."

I was rewarded with the now almost obsolete formula of "Thank you," and
moved a seat further back. Here I found some fresh reading material
provided for me in the shape of a notice to the effect that

PASSENGERS ARE WARNED
NOT TO PUT THEIR ARMS
OVER THE SIDE OF THE BUS.

When I had probed